The price men pay

Some voices describe that SVT’s documentary has provided insights and knowledge – but many have pointed out that it would have been highly valuable not to stop there, but also to include what research says about masculinity and present a wider range of perspectives.

If our organization, MÄN, had been invited to participate in the documentary, we would have focused on the many different norms around masculinity that we are socialized into while growing up – norms that exist in all societies. Expectations and demands that lie behind men’s problems, struggles, and challenges in life.

Men’s emotions are restricted

Masculinity norms dictate that men should control and limit their emotions and associate many of them with weakness – being insecure, hurt, afraid, or giggly is seen as “unmanly.” Ignoring one’s own and others’ emotions keeps men from understanding themselves and others, and from handling more difficult feelings when they arise.

Loneliness shapes many men’s lives

The norm of always being independent makes it difficult for men to trust others and hinders emotional closeness, which leads to loneliness. Since masculinity is often linked to competition rather than trust, it becomes harder to form deep friendships. When men’s close relationships end, many feel they have weak social safety nets – something that particularly affects older men.

Men suffer from mental health issues in silence

Boys and men learn to toughen up, pull themselves together, be cool and strong, not complain, and never show or admit vulnerability. When mental health struggles arise, silence is therefore a common response – leading many men to suffer alone. In the worst cases, men would rather commit suicide than risk being seen as weak or inadequate.

Men are often affected by accidents

Norms that a “real man” must always prove he can handle danger and pain without hesitation, and never “chicken out,” drive many men into risk-taking behaviors – with consequences for their own and others’ health, relationships, and surroundings.

Men are expected to use and endure violence

Men are expected to dare to confront, never back down from threats or violence, never “lose face,” and never appear inferior. Violence exists as a possible way to impose one’s will, or when status or honor needs to be upheld. Boys and men are often forced to deal with violence from other boys and men on a daily basis – and are overrepresented in violence statistics.

Many men don’t seek medical care in time

Masculinity norms say that a “real man” should endure physical pain, “not be a wimp,” see his body as a tool to be shaped, and be tough without complaining. This leads to men delaying medical care – sometimes until it’s too late. In the worst cases, this results in undiagnosed illnesses and premature death.

Pressure to perform and provide takes over life

According to a traditional norm, men are expected to be the providers for their families. Feeling pressure to always perform and carry the responsibility for security can create stress and exhaustion. Focusing too much on work creates distance from family and children, and worsens relationships with loved ones.

Men feel like losers

The norm says that a man must be a winner – and that his human worth is tied to achievement and success. When the norm dictates that you’re a loser unless you’re “top dog,” others’ successes and expanding rights can be perceived as threats to your own. This often makes men see life as a zero-sum game, where you either win or lose.

The feeling of not being “man enough”

Masculinity is something that must constantly be proven and can be taken away if someone claims you’re not a “real man” when you don’t follow the norms. Many men monitor themselves and compare themselves with others, making sure to always appear masculine enough in others’ eyes. When they don’t succeed, it can lead to self-doubt and shame.

A strong longing for physical closeness

Many men feel they don’t get enough physical closeness – a deep human need. Homophobic attitudes limit men’s opportunities for intimacy, making physical closeness almost exclusively tied to women. This can increase pressure on close relationships and lead to sex becoming the only way to experience intimacy.

Feelings of betrayal and unfulfilled promises

Men are expected to be at the top in many areas of society. There are unspoken promises that if we just play by the rules, we’ll do well – in careers, in relationships, and in family life. When these promises aren’t fulfilled, or when we fail to live up to expectations, it can deal a heavy blow to our self-esteem and lead to disappointment, anger, and dissatisfaction.

The problems and norms can be changed – and we must dare to face and challenge them if we want to improve the lives of boys and men. If norms don’t change, they will continue to cause harm and deepen a “masculinity in crisis.”